I would like to take that big wad of cash and start another war. This war will stop a race of environmental, international killers. Killers that target the young and the old, the rich and the poor. This war would be a uniter and not a divider, bolstering our economy with new technologies. Its got something for everyone. A little environment, a little swing state action, the army corps of engineers and a whole lot more. However, it might be harder to win than the war on terror.
What is this glorious war of which I write so eloquently about? I want to start "the war against hurricanes". Those hurricanes, they hate our beaches and homes, be it mobile, prefab, mansion or on stilts. They sneak up on us, with only a few days notice, pillaging with their evil categories. They are heartless, godless and unforgiving. They aren't pro-choice, they're pro-abortion and pro-post-birth-abortion. They're pro-capital-punishment, even for the innocent. They waste billions of our taxpayer dollars and blow pork barrels and earmarks with speeds exceeding 100mph. In short, they should probably, maybe, if the political trends are right and the technology gets there and if we don't use all the money we were going to use on education and healthcare, be stopped.
We need to get Blackwater in on this. Blackwater, those war whores. I'm usually not the Blackwater type. I'm more of a, "Lets not get into unpopular wars we aren't willing to send our own troops into or even pay for" type of guy. But for my war we need them. We need to throw as many Blackwater dudes as we can at those damn dirty hurricanes. Hire them all.
Q: What about the impact on our environment?
A: How the heck should I know? Lets call Al Gore and get his ideas. I'll pay him. Really though, I don't want to be filling any of our precious landfills with the stinking carcasses of these things. After we slaughter the hurricanes, then we figure out how to sop up their guts and ashes in a green, clean, low-emission, reusable energy, recyclable kind of way. Kill first, then come in with a scalpel (instead of a hatchet) to clean up.
Q: But we don't have the technology to fight the hurricanes.
A: That's where part of the money will go to. There are some great research institutions in Oregon that we can pay to figure it out.
Q: Can't this wait until we solve all of the other crises? I'm getting overwhelmed.
A: Look, this is a war our forefathers fathers fathers should have fought.
Q: This is hypothetical right? And didn't you just call for a boycott of the olympics?
A: If we get the American spirit behind it... no. Plus, do you really think I can get that money (I'll even take it in gift cards)?
Look, this is an enemy I'd love to torture. If those suckers in congress vote yes on printing me another fat wad of billions, I can burn those hurricanes at the stake, or crucify them.
In short, die hurricanes die.
Then with the leftover money, we can revisit the moon like we should have in the earlier part of the second half of this decade.
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