7am Photobooth

I really like the photobooth app on Anna's laptop. I just put a kid on my lap and fire it up.

Boy am I acerbic

Last night I thought of a book I would like to read to my girls each night before bed. I think with some snappy illustrations I might have something.

Chapter 1: 3am is never a good time to practice talking, rolling over or screaming.

subtitled: No matter how much you want them to, your parents can't stay up being your personal floating cloud all night or, think of a reason for being out of your bed before you get up.

Chapter 2: Its food, so put it in your mouth and move on with your life.

subtitled: Water bar closes at midnight.

Chapter 3: Maybe you can have a special day, before you are a teenager, when you don't cry?

Subtitled: Let your parents finish a sentence before you lose it.

Chapter 4: Just because you aren't one, doesn't mean you should scream when I don't let you pinch my armpits.

Chapter 5: Sure sharing is hard but, can't you at least do it with stuff that isn't even yours?

Sentiment #5 4 years

I remember the days when there was an orange julius in Carmel...

Forget it, I'm not blogging about pizza time theaters.

The reason why is this:

My family would sit around the TV on non school nights watching Little House on the Prairie or 60 minutes and I would cough. Then I'd look around to notice if anyone saw that I coughed. I usually had to look 180 degrees behind me. This was because we had one couch and all six of us could not fit that couch. I was always late getting to the couch because I'd be putting gag materials in a duffel bag by my window until the last moment before the show.

I sat on the floor directly in between the rest of the family and the TV and I'd cough. Nonchalantly I'd look behind me to see if anyone cared that I could possibly be spreading some disease to the entire family. This was especially the case when grandma was in town.

So cough, look 180 degrees, see everyone behind me, and at that point, its pretty obvious that I'm looking around because I am directly in between the family and Carrie Ingalls crying about muffins. They all notice that I'm looking around, even if they didn't notice I coughed. Now I'm in their heads. I've just made it worse. If they weren't paying attention to me then, they are now. So I have to watch more of Ma and Pa or Morely Safer.

Back then, we didn't have a remote for the TV, but we did have a rule about not listening to commercials. It wasn't a simple push of a button to turn that TV down. We had a knob. A silver knob that turned the TV on and off and up and down. We were just thankful it was in color.

There were designated jobs for sexes in our family. Boys took out the trash, babysat, and turned up and down the commercials. Girls got to yell, "Turn it down!" in the most matter-of-fact way you can yell "Turn it down!" Like a statement, but at a volume that slightly strains the vocal chords. They also got the better car seats.

After a while, I'd get up to "use the bathroom" and escape to my room. This is when I'd grab my gag bag and quietly perform my stand-up routine.

So here is the transcript from a cassette tape I found next to a pile of mammoth bones in the foundation of our house that was built in 1805.

Me: Hey, Isn't color TV great? Who knew William Katt was a white guy? Seriously, no wonder I can never get my hair to do that...

...Hey communism can't be that bad right, 140 million people in Russia over a billion in China, 5 or six in Cuba can't be wrong. Its like preschool for adults. Sharing or else. Share your snack, let Johnny ride on the swing with you or its the Gulag...

Actually, all that previous stuff is made up.
I made up those jokes last week to illustrate a point in some blog that I never finished and now can't understand.

Today I am realizing that Sammie is turning four. Four years. (Insert cliche about time traveling fast here). Boy does time fly. Ava is almost one. Really, since this is my blog I can write this and anyone reading can say "yeah". However, it is really disconcerting, a kind of disorderly disconcertion that is perturbingly profound. Profound in a way that you can't just say "yeah" to.

Actually, the stuff about the couch, the TV the commercials, Little House on the Prairie, Eddie Murphy, my gag bag and babysitting are all true.

End of June

I've had some really good blog thoughts in the past month or so. I get these moments. Flashes of humor and dry pathos. Moments where I think, "I'm gonna blog about that because that is funny."
Then I forget what it was...

Sentiment # 4: Tangibility

I went to the library with my two daughters the other day. Have you been to one of these places lately? I am so used to looking for stuff to read, research, listen to or watch online.

You can go into a library and get tons of free stuff! I was just amazed. I got a bunch of books for Sammie by Dr. Seuss and whoever writes those Madeline books. Then, I went upstairs and found a wall of sheet music books. There I grabbed a book filled with songs that I'd love to learn on the guitar like "Smoke on the Water" or "Iron Man". I went to the DVD section, you can just take DVDs home with you, no rental fees, no subscriptions. What a great time. I was getting greedy. I couldn't stop grabbing stuff. Little Ava was chewing on a copy of Mary and the Giant by Philip K. Dick because the double-wide stroller was so full I started using her for a bookend.

Sammie was happily playing on the elevator, singing into her new microphone or punching keys on one of the FREE internet computers. A librarian told her to "shush" and I got a deep, all consuming rush of nostalgia, I almost passed out from rapturous delight.

Then I realized it was my turn at the reference desk.
At the reference desk, which is like any software company's help desk, but ABSOLUTELY FREE, I asked for a book. They didn't have it. The lady (who was actually there and not piped in from India)/librarian told me that if another branch had it, they'd send it over in a day or two with no fees or overnight charges (FREE). She looked, but the book wasn't anywhere.

That was when I told her and her friend, another local, that I have this "connection" and I get books that aren't released yet. I told them that I had loaned out the book and hadn't gotten it back but want to finish reading it. The librarian looked it up on Amazon (I guess thats where they get all their info, even though they are surrounded by free, fact and knowledge filled books). Sure enough, the book won't be out until October. They both looked at me like I was from the future. For a brief moment I felt like a time traveler/future man. I had to snap back to reality and stop Sammie from spinning a massive five foot in diameter globe while wearing a set of headphones she borrowed from the FREE internet section. She has not been taught proper library etiquette and will probably hate me for it as a teen. The future might not be so hot.

Finally it was time to check out. They have self checkout just like in the grocery stores. I loved the burning sensation as I ran my hand under the laser! Then I scanned my card and remembered why my daughters and I are so unfamiliar with the library system. I owed about $15 from the last time I showed up and had my way with the web design section. The machine took my money and then told me I couldn't check out the book filled with songs that I'd love to learn on the guitar since it was a reference book.

I went to the reference librarian. There I asked if there was a way to check out the reference book. She said it had to stay in the library. I asked what the point of having a book filled with guitar songs which could never leave the premises was. I obviously couldn't bring in my guitar and practice there. My cute little daughter was shushed ten times for singing Doe a Deer into her microphone and skipping from freebee to freebee. The librarian said that each library has different reference items and if another one needs a specific song they get it from them. So then they do let the book go? Nope, the librarian said most people xerox the pages they want. I asked if that was legal considering copyrights, Napster's sordid past and peer to peer sharing. She said it would be fine.

The book was over a hundred pages, I had about two bucks, copies were .20 each and I had the brilliant idea of letting Sammie insert and keep track of all the change. I xeroxed half of Every Breath You Take and then gave up. At that point, a subscription to Netflix, downloading an album from Itunes, lunch at In-N-Out or a subscription to National Geographic would have cost less than my trip to the library.

That Nein Danke show for the evacuees was more of a show for volunteers, security guards, the chaplain, LOTS of empty cots and some homeless people that apparently show up at evacuations to get free stuff like underwear, fresh baked cookies and jazz music.
Meanwhile, Sammie has a new microphone. She brings it everywhere. It doesn't take batteries, cost me three bucks at Target, mild choking hazard, made in China, hours of childhood fun and creativity. What more can you ask for? Its more reverb than amplification. Ava likes to beat it against stuff and make it echo. I took it from her when I read about the choking hazard. However, overnight she began caring about confiscation. Past tense, we would yank whatever she was holding, (inappropriate/whatever) and then just tickle her until she forgot. Now, she laughs and then starts looking for what was taken. Next come the fights over what she's wearing...

Nein Danke

Okay that last post from my phone was a joke. Now I'm just texting to my blog to see if that works...
Long live the days of just letting your own spelling hang out in the wind (no spell checker gives me an awkward smile, the kind drunk people get when they realize they are acting drunk).
Okay, so I am about to go to UCSB with the rest of Nein Danke to play for the evacuees (sp?). We are back from Ventura and our own evacuation adventure. This is where I give thanks publicly to Brent, Jenn, Nathanael and Noah for entertaining the last three days. BTW Ventura is awesome, I am a believer I think.
Better start waking up the exhausted baby and cramming her into a hot car seat so I can pursue my dreams of being a jazz star.
Hope this posts, I keep trying....